WWJD: What Would Jeb Do?

Some Bush administration shill wrote a fantasy piece in the Washington Post postulating what life would be like if Jebediah Bush had won the Florida governorship in 1994. According to S. V. Date, Jeb was the Great White Hope of the Bush clan that would “avenge the Great Usurpation of 1992”, when voters denied George 41 his rightful second term in favor of Bill Clinton. Unfortunately, Jeb lost, while W became governor of Texas, throwing a huge monkey wrench (pun intended) into their nefarious plan.

We all know how it turned out. Dubya went on to the presidency, while Jeb was relegated to making sure Florida was a red state during the presidential elections in 2000 and 2004.

In Mr. Date’s fantasy world, however, Jeb captured Osama bin Laden and won the Iraq war, all in time for his sixth State of the Union address. Date continues the fairy tale in reality, bragging how Jeb helped Florida’s wealthiest citizens, whom he calls “risk takers” and “job creators”, avoid paying their share of taxes, even though during his reign, Florida had its worst job creation statistics since 1971.

In the spirit of this WaPo article, Wonkette takes the fantasy further with an altered State of the Union address:

As a grateful nation tuned in in greater numbers than next month’s Super Bowl, President Jeb, flanked by Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi and Senate Majority Leader Oprah Winfrey, would mention with pride the attendence in that august chamber of Presidents Ford and Reagan, both of whom had cheated death and recovered 100% thanks to Jeb’s forward-thinking health care policies. As a thousand Afghani orphans stood to cheer their hero for replacing their lost limbs with robotic prosthetics, the heroes of 9/11, those superpower-equipped firemen who saved the twin towers from collapsing and flew thousands to safety in Battery Park via their federal government-researched and -supplied rocket packs, would all brush away tears. Tears made of gold, which they harvest and use to repay our national debt.

Meanwhile, back in the real world: in his State of the Union address, dubya asked legislators to give his troop surge idea a chance, proving that he is insane (given the definition of insanity as trying the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result). The Senate said no.

Bet they wouldn’t have done that to Jeb.