And in other news...

Other planets in galaxy may have layer of diamonds
So that's why Bush wants more funding for space exploration. It's all part of his nefarious plot to hoard all the riches in the universe! Help us, Buck Rogers! Save us from this evil madman!

Valentine's Day is Monday, guys. Don't screw it up again.
Make it red roses and white chocolate, or you'll have blue ba... er, a blue holiday.

Woman gets 80 years for killing mom over chores
Can you say "hard labor"? On the bright side, there's not much chance she'll have to do windows.

Judge faces charges for masturbating during trials
Justice isn't blind, it's just squinty-eyed.
- or -
If you keep doing that, Justice, you'll go blind.

Two fans injured by overweight stage diver
I don't know who's dumber - they guy who jumped or the girls who tried to catch him.

Man arrested for lawyer jokes cleared
Charges dropped because of insufficient evidence. Apparently the jokes weren't that funny.

Man accused of stalking Anna Kournikova
Caught him lounging nekked in her neighbor's yard. See, I told you it wasn't me.

Army pilot disciplined for using helecopter to deliver pizza
Yeah, but did he get it there in 30 minutes or less?

Detroit's population continues to decline
Will the last one out please turn off the lights?