Here, There Be Pirates!

Talk Like a Pirate Day be upon us, and the unwashed among who be celebratin’ will be garnishing our vernacular with many a colorful expression.

But as we celebrate the lifestyle of the quasi-heroes of yore, it be good to reflect on the qualities we see in ourselves, and those qualities we imagine we could achieve.

So, to kick things off, I extend a hat tip to the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, whose patron saint, the jolly fish, holds sway over these here festivities.

As history tells us, piratin’s nothin’ new in these hereabouts. From Jean Laffite to John Singer to Henry Morgan, the Texas gulf coast be rich in pirate history.

And it hasn’t let up much, either. If yer thinkin’ that piratin’s a thing of the past, then I got some news for ye, mate. Here there be pirates, whether ye see them or not.

Take f’rinstance Ken Lay. Here be a pirate t’make ye proud. He set sail with the crew of the Crooked E and pillaged and plundered more than any man since. Aye, he was a piece of work, he was. Rumor has it he faked his own death, and is wallowing in coins to this day, awaiting his partner, the Commodore-in-Chief, to disappear into the South American wilderness, no one the wiser.

But this is all speculation, mind you, of an idle mind too long at sea.

Another great pirate of the day be Karl “Turdblossom” Rove. This scallywag convinced the colonial government that plunderin’ be sound economic policy, resulting in unprecedented bounty reaped by the predominant merchants of the day. Legend has it that his partner in crime, Dick “the Dick” Cheney, helped him negotiate these commercial treaties, and helped settled the Paraguayan wilderness where the brigands would spend their waning years, sipping rum and basking in the glory days of conquest.

Today, piracy be alive, well, and thriving. So why not join us in a celebration of the cultural magnificence that be piracy? This be the day we get to pretend that we have no conscience.

And then, come November 2008, vote against those who don’t pretend. Granted, none of the examples given are elected officials, but they're the power behind the thrones. Let those in the thrones know that there be no place in America for pillaging and plundering, because for everyone who benefits, there be thousands who suffer.

Piratin’ be fun to pretend, but keep this in mind: Pirates hate civil service – unless there’s something in it for them.


In the meantime...

Arrr!