C'mon, you know we were just kiddin'...

Bush attempts to schmooze Europe

Two years ago Dubya told the rest of the world to piss off, that he was going to invade Iraq with or without them. Now he’s trying to win them back – sort of.

Bush's speech, during his five-day trip to Belgium, Germany and Slovakia, was aimed at both U.S. and European audiences. "In a new century, the alliance of America and Europe is the main pillar of our security," he said.

He uses the word "alliance" 12 times in the speech…

It was in this same century that the word “alliance” disappeared from the White House dictionary. In fact, the entire section between “a hole in the ground” and “ass” has been missing since November 2000.

Word has it he had to practice using the word, and during practice had trouble with “pillar of security” as well. Seems it reminded him of his “security piller”, which he kept referring to as his “woobie”.

But don’t go thinking he’s gotten all gushy on them in order to win back their favor. Noooo! He told Libya to stop occupying Lebanon. ‘Cause that’s our job! Imagine those upstarts thinking they can just up and invade anyone they want!

And he’s made it clear to Russia that they’re still in the doghouse, despite their efforts at democracy:

"We must always remind Russia that our alliance stands for a free press, a vital opposition, the sharing of power and the rule of law.”

Sure glad we don’t have to meet these standards. Let’s see how we measure up:

• A free press – nope. Not unless you’re friendly to, or in the pay of, the Bush administration.
• A vital opposition – nope again. Not unless we can come up with a charismatic candidate for 2008. Or even someone that can pass as a human.
• The sharing of power – nope yet again. We used to have that here in Texas until Tom DeLay and company redistricted it out.
• The rule of law – well, kinda sorta. Unless you invoke “national security” status. Then the rule of law doesn’t apply.

Bush also threw in his expected attempt to take credit for the resumed peace talks between Israel and Palestine.

"The world must not rest until there is a just and lasting resolution to this conflict," Bush said.

Bush said a future Palestinian state must be "contiguous."

Of course someone had to look up the word “contiguous” for him beforehand, and had it spelled phonetically on his teleprompter. I wonder why they haven’t thought to do that for “nukular” yet?

Speaking of nukular…

On Iran, Bush said the United States was working with European allies Britain, France and Germany in the "early stages of diplomacy." Bush did not, however, note that the United States is not fully backing the Europeans' approach to offer Iran economic and political incentives not to develop nuclear arms.

Likewise, He didn’t tell the Europeans what they wanted to hear on the Kyoto treaty either. Namely, that we would join the effort to save future generations through the reduction of greenhouse gases. Instead, he left it to the marketplace.

Bush said the answer lies in "the power of human ingenuity."

"Emerging technologies such as hydrogen powered vehicles, electricity from renewable energy sources, clean coal technology will encourage economic growth that is environmentally responsible," he said.

So, as with most of his speeches, Dubya managed to produce nothing more that a lot of greenhouse gases of his own. And of course the usual threats to any nations that might stand in the way of world domination. Or, as he calls it, “global freedom”.