Sharpening our wits on the grindstone of Life: A Newspeak Primer: Lesson Two .comment-link {margin-left:.6em;}

Sharpening our wits on the grindstone of Life

Friday, February 04, 2005

A Newspeak Primer: Lesson Two

Thanks to Fafblog! for setting the record straight on Social Security reform. It's all so clear now!

Q: Is Social Security in crisis?

A: Yes it is! And if we don’t do something right now it is going to EXPLODE!

Q: Oh no!

A: In forty years.

Q: Then what happens?

A: Then Social Security runs out of money! That means either your benefits are reduced, or all Social Security everywhere explodes in a giant fireball and we will have to run away from the fireball and jump away from it in slow motion to escape!

Q: Tell me more about this crisis in gritty detail!

A: The fireball is huge and loud and expensive and there is grinding guitar music on the soundtrack informing everyone that we are bad, bad dudes! The radiation turns all old people into very poor mutants who must scavenge and eat each other for food. Eventually the robots come: they are unstoppable. What has science done!

So naturally, to make their "solution" more palatable, the gubmint employs Newspeak, which has served them so well in the past:

Q: I’m following you so far, but what if privatization…

A: It’s not privatization it is private accounts.

Q: Alright then, what if these private accounts…

A: They are not private accounts they are personal accounts.

Q: Okay, if these personal accounts…

A: They are not personal accounts, they are privamatupilous splendiferacy.

Q: I forgot what I was talking about.

A: Oh good! Have a lollipop with your splendiferacy.

How will it all end? Probably like this:

Q: I ended up with crap stocks, and my private account went empty early. What do I do?

A: You run out of money and starve. But you’ll starve in freedom, because you OWN your empty personal account, which means you OWN your starvation!

Q: I feel so free and hungry!

A: A wise man once said it is better to live in freedom than to die in slavery … the slavery of a secure retirement.

Q: Give me liberty AND death!

A: That’s the spirit!

Q: Wheeee! *hack hack wheeze*

Read the rest of the post at Fafblog!. You'll be glad you did.


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