The Sad State Of The Union

For those of you who played the SOTU drinking game last night – my sympathies. I recommend aspirin and a good strong bloody mary. There were clichés galore (wasn’t she a Bond Girl?). Double entendre out the wazoo. And lots of red ties. For those who intended to keep score but got too snockered, let’s recap:

• Purple fingers (but no thumbs that we saw)
• Red ties
• “a free and sovereign Iraq” (double chug)
• Kerry applauded
• Personal accounts
• No Child Left Behind
• “freedom” (stand while drinking)
• “liberty” (salute while drinking)
• “freedom” and “force” used in the same sentence (double chug)
• Stand up to terror abroad so we don’t have to face it at home
• Frivolous lawsuits (extra points – asbestos)
• “newkular”. This still kills me. Can he be that dumb, or is it just part of his act? “I’m not an idiot, but I play one on television”.
• Pity the fool who had to drink every time the lemmings stood up. The right side of the hall (left side from the prez’s point of view, but I don’t take that very often), looked like drunken sports fans doing the wave in a Catholic mass. Up, down, up, down, rah rah rah.

Other items of note:

Mrs. Bush (no, not Condi), arrived with the two females from Iraq and Afganistan who were allowed to vote. Also, obligatory parents of Marine who was killed in Iraq. Otherwise, there was plenty of extra room in the First Lady’s box [insert crude joke here].

A technical glitch before the address began caused an echo on the announcer’s microphone. Media shills quip “two for the price of one”. The reality? The doublespeak filters were clogged from overuse.

Bush came into this address with a less than 50% approval rating. Media shills quip he’s shooting for double or nothing. I like the gambling analogy. Hoping for “nothing”, but not gonna lay any money on it.

Lots of cabinet members we don’t recognize. Maybe Dubya misunderstood and brought his “cabinet” members, ‘cause some of them looked like interns. None in a blue dress though – I guess they retired that color after Monica.

Cheney looks like he has indigestion. Chews Tums during address. Or heart pills, but I didn’t know they made chewables.

Dubya talked about the “state of our children’s union”. You mean other than in debt and not gay?

Did you know that this administration overcame the recession? Still waiting for this to happen in my neighborhood.

They also prosecuted corporate criminals. Other than their contributors, of course. And only the underlings. Wouldn’t be good for the economy to break the “trickle down” chain by taking money away from the rich guys.

They also added 2.3 million new jobs. That’s a lot of fast food restaurants.

We need to protect “honest job creators” from “junk lawsuits” so they can become next year’s corporate criminals.

We need medical liability reform to insure patients have access to the health care and doctors they need. I guess these pesky malpractice lawsuits are preventing quacks from fleecing their patients profitably, so they're going into politics instead.

Blah blah comprehensive energy plan, blah blah tax code, blah blah marriage amendment, blah blah embryo farms, blah blah blah.

Nothing will change for current Social Security recipients. Government can never take away money from your personal accounts (except to pay down extra 2 trillion in debt). No word on how to pay shortfall for current and near future retirees.

A classic example of doublespeak: We’re passing along our freedoms, chief among them freedom from fear. Read: we’ll take away your freedom in the name of freedom. Or, we’ll terrorize you so the other guys won’t.

We’ll continue the war on terror until it’s won. We’re going to be at war for a long, long time.

We’re going to continue to build coalitions. In order to continue, don’t you have to start first?

We have no intention of forcing our form of government on others. It just happens accidentally after we bomb them.

Saudi Arabia is showing the way to democracy in the Middle East. Did I miss a memo?

No longer such things as WMDs. The term never existed. Iran has Weapons of Mass Murder. Much worse, and doesn’t remind us of fabricated justification for war in Iraq.

Iran is primary sponsor of terror. Stephen King moves down one place.

Insurgents are afraid of democracy. And dentists. We’re not gonna tell them when we’re removing troops, ‘cuz then they’ll just wait ‘til we leave. Then they’ll stick their tongues out at us and call us bad names. And we won’t tolerate that.

Sgt. Norwood told his parents “You’ve done your job, now it’s my turn to defend you” before he went to Iraq and was killed. Dubya tears up, even though he didn’t do his job, or take his turn defending anyone. What a maroon.